Tim Phelan : Romance, Riches, and Restrooms

Okay, here’s something you don’t see everyday.                  

Proving once again that the cover-up is almost always worse than the original crime, this week the news wires were abuzz with this story about an American Airlines flight that was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger lit a match – yes, a match – to disguise the scent of her flatulence. Although IBS very well could have been at play here, most of the reports only mention that the woman suffers from an “undisclosed medical condition.”

Since it was first reported on December 6th, the tale of this woman’s harrowing midflight ordeal has been buzzing through online forums, chat rooms, and blogs at Mach Two and leaving a series of sonic booms in its wake. Everyone, it seems, has an opinion on how this poor passenger could have better handled her predicament.

Predictably, as someone who has literally spent years worrying about accidentally fouling the collective coach-class air with a substance far more offensive than mere flatulence, I have my own thoughts on the matter.

Since politely excusing yourself to step outside is not a luxury afforded to airline passengers, your first line of defense against all manner of humiliating inflight rectal revolts (gas, solid, or liquid) is good preparation:

• Always book an aisle seat as close to the plane’s aft lavatory as possible. People seated in these rows expect ungodly smells to regularly waft out of the lavatory and into the main cabin.
• Never wear khakis or light-colored pants. Should you have an actual accident, as long as you don’t give your fellow passengers any physical evidence to condemn you with, you can still plausibly deny that you are the source of the offending odor.
• Stowing an extra pair of pants in your carry-on bag can also be a great dignity-salvaging tool. Just remember, to avoid raising suspicious eyebrows on your way back from changing in the lavatory, pack a similar-looking (if not identical) pair.
• Always look around to locate the nearest babies. With their amazing ability to fill diaper after diaper at will, they are natural and logical scapegoats.
• A blanket and/or a jacket over draped over your lap will help trap the smell and hopefully prevent it from wreaking its full havoc on any innocent bystanders.
• What about using a deodorizing spray? Well, the problem is that most of these products don’t kill the smell and they don’t really fool anybody. If it could be developed, I think I may have an idea for the world’s ultimate decoy for embarrassing bodily odors. Yes, I’m talking about bottling the smell of…SKUNK. Think about it. Not only would this pungent scent overwhelm any and every odor in its immediate vicinity, but nobody would ever think to suspect another human being. The looks on people’s prices would be priceless. Yup, that’s a skunk all right. But what in the world is a skunk doing at 35,000 feet???

But whatever you do, unless you want to end up like Richard Reid (aka “the shoe bomber”), do us all a favor and put those matches away!