“Irritated Being Single” - Q&A With the Man Who Started World’s First IBS Dating Site
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006In case you’ve never personally experienced the “thrill” of having a hot date collide with an untimely IBS attack, let me humbly offer up an excerpt from Romance, Riches, and Restrooms to give you a brief glimpse into what you’ve been missing.
“The more I thought about possible embarrassing outcomes, the more anxious I became. The more anxious I became, the more skittish my gut became.
Doomsday scenarios raced through my mind. What if we’re stuck in traffic for a long time? My feeling of urgency was growing. What if I lose control of my body in my VW? I would be humiliated, but Kelly would probably suffer more than me. Sitting in traffic, we wouldn’t be moving fast enough to generate any fresh air blowing through the windows. We would be stuck in a hot, cramped, and malodorous Porta Potty. As far as all-time worst first dates go, this would have to be near the top of the list. Hey, I had a great time today. Are you free next Friday? Let’s take your car this time, OK?
I suppose bad smells eventually find reluctant acceptance in even the happiest long-term relationships. That said, they’re a poor substitute for flowers, and no way to start a romance.”
Let me point out the obvious: Dating and IBS just don’t mix very well.
But if one particularly enterprising IBS sufferer has his way, all that might be about to change forever. Meet Craig Jex. He’s the founder of Irritated Being Single, a new online dating service that caters exclusively to the match-making needs of singles who suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome as well as inflammatory bowel diseases such as Crohn’s and Colitis. Last week, Craig was gracious enough to let me ask him a few questions about his site, his personal dating adventures, and the future of dating for people with IBS.
TP: Hey Craig, let’s start with your vital statistics. How old are you? Where do you live? How long have you had IBS? And are you IBS-D, IBS-C, or IBS-A?
CJ: I’m 24 and live in an area just outside of London called Croydon (famous for being the second largest place to shop in the South East after Central London and, er, model Kate Moss). I’ve suffered from IBS-D since I was about nine. When you do the maths it’s quite scary figuring out how many years you’ve wasted sitting on a toilet. Occasionally I get the odd bout of IBS-C and as strange as it may sound, I quite enjoy being constipated as it gives me a break from running to the toilet every five minutes!
TP: I can relate. I’ve always been secretly envious of the constipated. I know life’s no picnic for them - they have their own challenges - but at least they can always go out and do what they want to do without the fear of publicly humiliating themselves.
I’ve been reading quite a bit about Irritated Being Single on the IBS Self-Help Group bulletin board over the last several months. As a guy who has racked up nearly two decades of my own horror stories about dating with IBS, I think your site is a great idea with enormous potential. With as many as 58 million IBS sufferers in the U.S. alone - internationally, the ratio is 1 out of every 5 people - you’ve obviously got a huge target market (and that figure doesn’t even include people with inflammatory bowel diseases like Crohn’s and Colitis). When did the site go live, and how would you describe the response so far?
CJ: The site went live in April 2006 and is slowly growing with members. When I discussed the idea of having a dating site for sufferers of IBS the reaction was quite mixed. There were a few people who thought it was a bad idea. Their thoughts being that people don’t like to talk about poo and who would want to go out with someone who constantly needed to use the toilet. Some of their points I could understand but others were a little narrow minded. But I’m used to that; I can’t tell you the number of times people have said that my IBS is all in my head – I think that’s the worst thing you could say to someone who suffers from this condition. Everyone has suffered from the shits at one stage or another in their lifetime so if they can just imagine what that must be like to live with every day then they would soon realise it’s not all in our heads.
Dating is always a nerve wracking experience and having IBS makes it that little bit worse so having a dating site where sufferers wouldn’t have to worry about their condition had people thinking it was a good idea.
Although, the majority of people probably thought it was a good idea especially when you take into account the figures you mentioned due to the fact that if half of the world’s IBS sufferers signed up I would be a millionaire. Those figures really are amazing especially when you consider those who haven’t been diagnosed yet as they’re too afraid to bring their bowel habits up with a doctor.
TP: Yes, when people tell me it’s in my head or that talking about poop is inappropriate, that drives me totally insane. OK, moving right along…
If necessity is the mother of invention, did you, as a young, single guy with IBS, have your own personal need to invent this site? Was dating so difficult or frustrating for you that you finally threw up your hands and said, “To hell with the bar scene and Match.com. I’m going to invent my own site where everybody is on a level playing field with respect to the hellish unpredictability of bodily functions.”?
CJ: Well when I realised that I have a closer relationship with my toilet than a member of the opposite sex I thought I had to do something. Joking aside, I definitely created Irritated Being Single to get a girlfriend. That’s my number one priority. If I make any money out of it, well that’s a bonus. Of course, I want the site to be a success because at the moment I’m stuck in a dead end job that I’d gladly quit if Irritated Being Single made me enough money every month to pay the bills. But my main aim is to give IBS sufferers a service where they know they’re not alone and there are other people in the same situation who are looking for someone special.
I’ve subscribed to Match.com and Datingdirect.com, and to be honest, I think they rip their customers off. The prices they charge are far too much for what they offer. Plus I’ve noticed that people in my age range don’t tend to subscribe so you end up sending messages to people who never intend to email back because they don’t want to pay the expensive fees. Reading other people’s profiles, you realise what you’re missing out on in life due to having to stay in because you have the green apple splatters and then you begin to think that you’re not exactly the most appealing catch as your condition will hold any new relationship back. I’m pretty up front with my IBS and I don’t care what people think. Everyone has to crap.
But as we all know some people don’t see it that way and so a dating site for IBS sufferers would make dating a little easier. Well, that’s the plan.
TP: Care to share a particular example or two of how your IBS sabotaged one of your dates or relationships?
CJ: Can’t really say that it has sabotaged a date or relationship. It has definitely hampered my chances of finding someone, as my confidence is quite low, so the chances of me going up to a girl and asking her out are pretty slim. Although I have done it and the girl in question said yes but we just didn’t have anything in common so it didn’t last all that long. You win some, you lose some, I guess.
TP: Of course, I have my own opinions on the matter, but what do you think are the biggest challenges that most people with digestive disorders face when it comes to dating?
CJ: I don’t know what it is, but talking about bowel movements is still taboo. I think many people don’t want to talk about their problems because it is embarrassing so they decide to suffer in silence. Some make excuses if a bout of diarrhoea comes on by saying things like they’ve must have eaten something that didn’t agree with them.
I’ve always been open about my problems. I think it’s easier to let people know why I’ve rushed off for twenty minutes every half hour (especially when it comes to work). If someone decides to reject you because you suffer from IBS then they probably aren’t worth knowing anyway. I have a very broad sense of humour and there ain’t nothing better than a good fart joke so I have learnt to laugh about my symptoms. Plus like I said before everyone craps - it’s a fact of life.
My major obstacle is the physical symptoms. I suffer from anxiety and if I think something is going to happen, then it probably will. Sometimes I just have to bung myself up with Imodium to get through whatever social event it is that I’m going to. My biggest fear is not being near a toilet when the bowel gets its dancing shoes on. And that becomes the obsession rather than enjoying being with whoever you are.
TP: Man, I admire your attitude about telling people from the get-go. My biggest regret is that I wasn’t more open about my IBS from the start. My symptoms started to take over my life when I was 21, and it wasn’t until four years ago (I’m 40 now) that I finally felt comfortable enough to “come out of the water closet” and start telling people about my “issues.” And like you, anxiety was also my biggest trigger.
CJ: Well, I just think it’s easier to explain why you’re always rushing to a toilet rather than have people guess and spread rumours. But people are different and I fully understand why they don’t want to explain their IBS.
TP: In the real world (according to the statistics, anyway), roughly 65% of IBS sufferers are women, while only 35% are men. Have you found the same ratio on your site?
CJ: At present I would say that there are more men subscribed to the site than women although it is fairly close. I can only guess at why that is. Maybe it’s because women are more cautious of Internet dating or maybe it’s the embarrassment factor of IBS again. One thing I have noticed is that not many people (both male and female) have been putting their photos up. Now I don’t know if that’s because they don’t have digital cameras or they don’t want people to see that they suffer from IBS. It’s a shame people would want to hide themselves on a site like this. We don’t have anything to be ashamed about having IBS.
But the site is still in infancy so the more people who are aware that Irritated Being Single exists and join up, then the more choice people are going to have.
TP: Have you gotten any feedback from your members about their dating experiences? Any success stories?
CJ: Not yet, I’m afraid. I think it’s a little too early for that, but I would like to think that they would email the site to let me know. I would gladly put up any success stories. So if anyone reading this has any success stories let me know!
TP: Where do you think these people are going on their first dates? Do you think the comfort level of being with a fellow sufferer reduces their anxiety to the point where they can be more adventurous and maybe push the envelope a bit more than they normally would?
CJ: My feelings are that people would try to venture out to a pub, bar, coffee house or even a restaurant among other places for their first date. Due to the fact that both know that at any time their bowels might spring into action they won’t be so anxious, as they’re both in the same boat and wouldn’t mind that their date has rushed off for a poo. And I’m 99.9% sure most dates would be near clean, useable toilets anyway, if the need arose.
I’ve always believed that if I had a girlfriend who fully understood my condition, didn’t mind that nights out could be cancelled due to a flare up and we were both happy with the relationship that my IBS wouldn’t be as bad. I think the anxiety is worse when you’re getting to know someone.
I’ve found that once I’m comfortable with people or my surroundings my IBS does sometimes behave itself. I would love to prove that theory with someone!
TP: If my experience is any indication, you’re theory is right on target. I’ve been lucky enough to be dating the same girl for over three years now. She doesn’t have IBS, but from the very start she has been incredibly understanding and supportive of my condition – and I’ve found that goes a long way toward making my bowels much better behaved.
CJ: Maybe doctors should prescribe girlfriends and boyfriends instead of medication and medical tests.
TP: Although most of the members seem to be from the U.S. and the United Kingdom, I’ve noticed that your site has members from all over the globe. Do you think that’s evidence that bowel disorders are universally stigmatized across all cultures?
CJ: Everyone’s the same in every country. Going to the toilet is a private thing to do. Saying that, did you ever see the toilet in the gents at CBGBs in New York - it had no cubicle and was on show for everyone to see. But back to the question in hand…I guess talking about the brown stuff is going to be taboo no matter where you are in the world unless of course people have a faeces fetish. However, I’m sure there is a dating site out there for people with such tastes.
TP: Despite growing up just outside Manhattan, unfortunately I never did make down to CBGB (and now that it just closed, I guess I’ll never have the chance). But that toilet sounds wild – and not in a good way.
CJ: Here’s a picture of the toilet at CBGB’s.
TP: Yeah, like I said.
This is probably just a crazy utopian fantasy, but I’d like to think that there’s at least one country somewhere out there where people talk as openly and comfortably about bodily functions (”Excuse me a minute, Bob, but I feel some explosive diarrhea coming on and I need to find a toilet before I ruin my new pants”) as they do about the weather (”Oh, sure thing, Tim. Say, is it supposed to rain today?”). Have you discovered such a country yet? And if not, do you think it exists?
CJ: That’s funny. You should send that idea to the writers of South Park (Mr. Hankey is one of the funniest things ever). I’ve always thought IBS could be comedy gold if done in a tongue in cheek manner. I haven’t come across a country like that but there could be an undiscovered tribe somewhere in the rainforest who have a shrine to the hole in the floor where they deposit their chocolate coated berries.
I actually do talk openly to friends and family when I need to go and the little skit you wrote isn’t too far off the sort of things I say to them. I have to make it humourous, otherwise it just gets you down. It’s quite fun coming up with new terms for ‘I need to have a crap’. I don’t care what people say, toilet humour is funny.
TP: I love South Park. One of my favorites has to be the episode where Lemmewinks navigates the obstacles of Mr. Slave’s digestive tract – Hilarious! You’re absolutely right, toilet humor is DEFINITELY funny.
CJ: I bet you love the Diarrhoea Song too – ‘I was climbing up a tree and it trickled down my knee, Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea’. That song is a classic children’s favourite.
TP: Sure, who doesn’t?
Now bear with me on this next question - it is relevant, I swear. I remember listening to a comedian speculating about the very first circumcision ever performed. He wondered who the brave man was who, after hearing what the procedure involved, said, “OK, that sounds good to me. I’ll be first!”? OK, yes, now the question. Understanding that many people are reluctant to openly admit to having a condition like IBS, and knowing that your site is the very first of its kind (and long overdue, in my opinion), how difficult was it for you to recruit the first few members?
CJ: (Laughs) I wondered where you were going with that for a few seconds. That comedian does have a point. I think I’d rather have IBS than be circumcised (especially now that I’m old enough to actually feel the pain. I guess it ain’t so bad when you’re a baby). Hmmm, then again. Anyway…
I first got the idea for Irritated Being Single when I joined a couple of forums mainly ibsnetwork.org.uk (subscribe to their quarterly magazine, Gut Reaction, as it’s a great source of advice and information) and ibsgroup.org. Many people on both forums were asking if there were any dating sites for IBS sufferers. So a market was already crying out for an IBS dating site. I just decided to bite the bullet and use some money in my savings to create it. Once the site was up and running, it was just a case of letting people on both forums know that it existed, and a few people signed up straight away. I guess curiosity killed the cat, as others soon followed. The site definitely needs more people to join up though. It is tough as it’s such a niche market but it’ll get there.
TP: I think it’s going to get there, too, and someday it will hopefully even take a significant sliver of business away from Match.com. To close out our chat, why don’t you tell everybody why they should visit Irritated Being Single and, if nothing else, sign up for a FREE trial membership?
CJ: Right…if you’re single, you suffer from IBS or any other bowel related condition and you’re a little embarrassed about your condition that it is hampering your dating life, then that would be the main reason to join Irritated Being Single. You don’t have to pay a single penny to join plus the free two weeks subscription for every new user allows you to take full advantage of all the site’s features. Everyone likes a freebie.
One thing I would say is, don’t be afraid to write a little about yourself on your profile and if possible put a photo of yourself on display. Just because we suffer from IBS doesn’t mean that we’re monsters from another planet. We shouldn’t be ashamed that they have IBS. We’re no different from any other people. Spread the word about the site so more people are aware of it and be proud that we all have something in common, even if it is poo.
Finally, I wish everyone who joins the site all the best with their dating. Don’t forget to email me any successful stories because I want an invite to the wedding.
TP: Well said, Craig. Well said. Thank you – and I hope I get an invitation to your wedding sometime in the near future.
Now come on everybody, you heard the man. If you’re single and have IBS, then click right here and get your ass over to Irritated Being Single and start working on your profile…and while you’re at it, why not pick out a flattering picture of yourself, too?
